It is going to be a long night, perhaps shorter than tomorrow. 

The first funeral I can remember was my maternal great grandmother. I was young and perhaps didn't really manage to grasp the concept of death. I remember running around, I remember being scolded by the adults that we were being too noisy. I remember thinking to myself that the dead can't hear us, why are the adults saying that we are too disturbing. I remember green and blue, I remember the prayers which I stand so tired and behind the line because I was ranked too young in the family. There were always commotion and I can never make up what was exactly happening.

11 years ago, Grandma left us. That one hit me real bad and it really took me a while to get over it. Because, it was something so unexpected, she has been healthy. Because, it was always like this - she has been in hospitals. Because she has been healthy. What we didn't know was that things have changed and no one ever noticed. It seems like yesterday really. I remember her in tubes, I remember my heart in pain because I do not understand how she seem so normal just two days ago and now end up like that. I remember the tears and the helplessness, was she in pain? Does the tubes help her? I remember not being to sleep and when I did, I woke up to feelings of surreality. I remember sitting up on my bed asking myself if she did leave me. I remember the pencil case she bought for me for my birthday when I was 10. It was so expensive but it was like a little gadget and everyone in school was fascinated with that. I just remember that she was perhaps the only one who didn't really treated me like I was a first born.

The last night, I remember myself lying beside the coffin tearing, and I teared myself to sleep. The drums was so loud and I woke up to the procession and I cried again. So, everything is real. She is in a coffin. The bus journey there is all clouded and I can't remember anything except trying to understand why my cousin can be so composed while I just can't stop crying. I get attached to things with all my heart and soul pretty fast and this is my grandmother who loves me and I love, so I cried. It was so tiring and I shuttle between crying and asleep and we reached the crematorium. The pain continues to plague me thereafter. When I bring her up, I feel that pain in my heart. I will always have that regret. 

This time, Love's Uncle who is also his godpa. He has love us. I remember him with egg tarts, bak kwa, yakcult and potong ice cream. He will offer us food and he bought us out for dinner. I shunned away from funerals ever since Grandma passed away because the funeral brings back the emotions I have for Grandma. It has been a while and at every turn here reminds me of Grandma. I have a new grandma now, she is actually Love's grandma. She is 93 this year. It is so heartbreaking to see a mother send off her son. I really cannot bear that sight. We are all worried for her. She told me last night that she doesn't want to be in the house alone with the maids. I wanted her to rest so I wheeled her up against her will. 

Every departure is sad. The memories and the fact that someone is leaving you forever is heartbreaking. We can't make people stay forever and at this stage, I come to realize everything eventually might not matter as much as you make it to be. Sometimes, being contented and cherishing what you have is all that you can and should do. 

Stay safe and happy.